Chasing Nonconformity And How to Apply Social Media to It
by BigSlowTurtle
Summary: Eris, Varrin and Miguri's adventures are told for the second time completely through social media. Based on the second book in Michelle Proulx's Imminent Danger series, Chasing Nonconformity. Serves as a sequel to my first fanfic, Imminent Danger And How to Apply Social Media to It.
Sebara has obtained a new job: Rala'kamil!

Sebara: Thanks for the support, guys! Really eager to prove myself to the Rakorsian Empire!

Sebara has obtained a new job: Royal Babysitter

Sebara: Aw, hell.

Trystan Gara'dar: Hi Sebara! It's very nice to meet you! You're my new best friend! You're also my only friend, so there isn't much competition in that regard!

Emperor Ka'zarel to Sebara: You are tasked with bringing back Prince Varrin. Trystan will accompany you.

Sebara: My liege, I'm not sure Trystan is the most qualified for this retrieval mission. It will require stealth, finesse and the ability to keep calm under pressure.

Emperor Ka'zarel: Oh, I know. That's why I've assigned the perfect soldier to join you.

Fino'jin: I'm back, everyone! And this time I'm off my meds!

Eris Miller: My life's changed so much this past year. I used to have zero Facebook friends! Now I have three!

Ghost of Captain Hroshk: I'M STILL YOUR FRIEND, ERIS.

Eris Miller: Oh God. Block. BLOCK.

Eris Miller has changed her relationship status to Engaged!

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Congratulations, Eris!

Doctor T: Yes, congratulations! If you and that rat friend of yours come back to Chakra Corp, I have a very special engagement present for you!

Eris Miller: …I'm good, thanks.

Eris' Mom: ERIS WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU HAD BETTER BE KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT.

Eris Miller: Uh oh. Stupid privacy settings.

Kalla to Eris Miller: You look upset. Boy troubles?

Eris Miller: Yeah, actually. My boyfriend basically proposed to me and I told him I wasn't ready yet. Now things are weird between us.

Kalla: It's tough when people are in different places in a relationship. One time my business partner ran off on me, so I built a shrine to him in my basement, and tattooed his name on my leg.

Eris Miller: …I'm going to go be somewhere else now.

Kalla: I've decided to kidnap this girl. No real reason why, all the cool villains seem to be doing it.

Traggs: Kalla, we're ready for transport. Do you want me to wear the shaggy black wig now?

Kalla: Traggs, you should know by now the answer to "Does Kalla want me to wear the shaggy black wig" is always yes.

Trade Lord Ysrin: Hello everyone! My name is Trade Lord Ysrin, and it's very nice to meet all of you! I'm very excited to join the cast of this series. I'm terribly excited to work with that handsome mercenary, and that talking ball of light, and that strange blue man who went around licking people.

Eris Miller: Aw I'm sorry, Trade Lord Ysrin. You're what's called an introductory villain, where you're introduced for one scene and then get the crap beaten out of you by the main heroine to show how strong she's become.

Trade Lord Ysrin: Oh my, that sounds unpleasant. Who might this main heroine be?

Eris Miller has poked Trade Lord Ysrin!

Trade Lord Ysrin: That's it, I am so firing my agent.

Eris Miller to Varrin Gara'dar: Varrin, we need to talk. You can't just have someone marry you without them knowing about it. A relationship is about communication, and equal understanding on both sides.

Varrin Gara'dar: You're right, Eris. That's why earlier this morning, I served you the Official Rakorsian Breakfast Burrito of Divorce. So now we're not married anymore!

Eris Miller: You really don't get where I'm going with this, do you?

Grashk has changed his name to Big Blue!

Big Blue: Help! I think someone hacked my account! I don't know how to change my name back!

Varrin Gara'dar: I'm sorry stranger, I don't know who you are.

Big Blue has changed his name to Grouchy Smurf!

Grouchy Smurf: Goddamnit!

Eris Miller: Okay guys, I have a plan to get the Nonconformity back. We'll sneak onboard the Claktill ship, sabotage it when they aren't looking, and get a free ride to the shipyard!

Miguri Ma'aktilli: I don't like this plan. The Claktill are unlikely to trust us.

Varrin Gara'dar: I think it's a good plan. I'm sure the Claktill would be eager to trust Blueberry.

Blueberry: What are you talking about? There's nobody here named… OH GOD DAMN, WHO THE HELL IS DOING THIS!?

Lazula Zin and Kalawampa the Startalker have checked into CCS17!

Miguri Ma'aktilli and Blueberry have checked into That Crate over There!

Gimur has recommended a documentary on Netflix: Claktill – Nature's Fuzziest Hobos!

Kalla: I'm back! I'm here to sell Eris into slavery!

Varrin Gara'dar: You know, I was selling Eris into slavery before it was cool. Just saying.

Kalla: Hi Varrin! I haven't seen you in a while! And you haven't seen me in even longer! I hate you! You weren't ready to commit to our relationship!

Varrin Gara'dar: You tried to make me wear a tracking collar.

Kalla: THAT WAS OUT OF LOVE!

Korrim: Damn it, this is why I don't pick up hitchhikers.

Eris Miller is playing Counter-Strike with Varrin Gara'dar!

Eris Miller is no longer playing Counter-Strike with Varrin Gara'dar!

Varrin Gara'dar: You really suck at this. Should've played with the Claktill.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: You couldn't handle my skills.

Eris Miller to Korrim: So I'm taking over your ship, but I really don't have any other options. Please don't be scared; I really don't intend to hurt you. Can we still be friends?

Korrim: Of course we can. Say, could I borrow your striker for a second?

Fino'jin has rated Sebara on Rate Your Rala'kamil! Fino'jin has given Sebara one star!

Sebara: Seriously!? What did I ever do to you?

Fino'jin: Nothing personal; you're just different, so I hate you. I hate things that are different. That's why I declared war on snowflakes that one time. Each one is unique, so they're all godless abominations.

Trystan Gara'dar: Hey Fino'jin, I wrote a new poem just for you. There once was a Rakorsian from Nantucket…

Eris Miller to Miguri Ma'aktilli: Miguri, I don't know how to tell you this, but things got out of hand, I took over the ship, and the Claktills are our hostages. Please don't be mad.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Mad!? These are the jerks who banished me for saving them! This is a dream come true! I'm going to go make them carry me around like a God!

Eris Miller: Uhhh… okay.

Kalla: I'm waking up to find myself Varrin's prisoner. Today's getting better and better! I've actually had dreams that start this way… though they usually don't involve me taking a striker blast to the face.

Varrin Gara'dar: That's great, listen-

Kalla: But sometimes they do!

Varrin Gara'dar: Please stop talking.

Eris Miller to Korrim: Don't worry, everything's going to be fine. None of the Claktill are going to get hurt.

Korrim: I believe you. But could you please stop your Claktill friend from whizzing on our galea tree?

Eris Miller: Yeah sorry, I think he has some pent up aggression about being exiled.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Exile THIS, ****heads!

The galea tree dislikes this post!

Kiguri to Eris Miller: You being an outlaw is so out of system! Pacifism is so overrated; it's so un-astral that my people get themselves killed over it.

Eris Miller: This is so great! Hey Miguri, I found a Claktill hipster!

Kiguri: You know Miguri Ma'aktilli!? He's a hero to me! He was a martyr discriminated against by the rigid and uncaring Claktill government, exiled just because he dared to believe!

Eris Miller: Well that was fun for about one second. I'm starting to get why the other Claktill don't like you very much.

Varrin Gara'dar: I worked out a deal with Kalla and Traggs. They've agreed to help us.

Traggs: Hooray! Does this mean I don't have to wear the shaggy black wig anymore?

Kalla: You ALWAYS have to wear the shaggy black wig, Traggs.

Miguri Ma'aktilli has tracked down his great-grandchild Kiguri on !

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Tracking family history is pretty easy when you only have one parent involved.

Kiguri: I LOVE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE HOT TOPIC AND OMIGOD THAT'S A LOT!

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Glad to hear it, kid. Now let's talk about that hair.

Fino'jin to Trystan Gara'dar: You are a worthless sack of Jsgarn droppings! If you don't throw out that damn poetry, I'm going to drop kick you out the damn airlock!

Trystan Gara'dar: Hey Fino'jin, Sebara said if we don't get Varrin back, I'll probably become heir to Rakor. Considering that, is there any way you'd want to edit that last post?

Fino'jin: I would not.

Trade Lord Ysrin: Great news, everybody! I'm back in the story! I'm so excited to become a recurring character! I had some thoughts on my backstory that I thought I could run by someone…?

Fino'jin: YOU WILL TELL ME WHERE PRINCE VARRIN IS OR I WILL FEED YOU YOUR OWN FACE!

Trade Lord Ysrin: I'd like to be written out of the novel now.

Eris Miller is hosting the event CCS17 Nonconformity Retrieval Strategy Meeting

Eris Miller: Sorry for the delay guys, some weirdo keeps trying to get into the meeting.

Blue's Clues: It's me! Grashk! Someone's been changing my name again!

Sebara to Trystan Gara'dar: So this mission is probably going to be pretty dangerous. Do you even have any experience tracking people?

Trystan Gara'dar: Sure I do! I've read over twenty Where's Waldo books!

Sebara: How many of them did you finish?

Trystan Gara'dar: They wouldn't call it Where's Waldo if he was easy to find.

Eris Miller: Everyone, we're leaving the Claktill ship and we're letting all the Claktill go free.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Awww, does that mean we can't order the Claktill to fight to the death anymore?

Eris Miller: Of course it does– wait, what do you mean, ANYMORE?

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Nothing.

Kalla: I hate you, Eris. Have you ever carved Varin's name into your arm as a symbol of love? I don't think you have!

Eris Miller: Varrin has two R's in it, not one.

Kalla: Aw, crap.

Eris Miller: Just had my first ever BASE suit flight with Varrin, and now we're breaking into a Psilosian shipyard to search for the Nonconformity!

Eris' Mom: I swear, I have no idea what you kids are talking about these days.

Varrin Gara'dar: The Nonconformity isn't in the Kari-forsaken shipyard! I have to get it back! I NEED to get it back!

Eris Miller: Well, turns out Varrin's an objectophile. I guess that means the honeymoon's over.

Emperor Ka'zarel to Empress of Rakor: Trystan's mission is a complete disaster! This is all your fault! If you'd let me spend more time with him, he wouldn't be an overly-emotional weakling!

Empress of Rakor: Oh yes, I don't know why I didn't let you near Trystan more, when you LITERALLY POISONED your other son.

Emperor Ka'zarel: You just LOVE bringing that up, don't you!?

Varrin Gara'dar: Come on guys, we have to get the Nonconformity back!

Eris Miller: Why don't you give your promise pendant to the damn Nonconformity!?

Varrin Gara'dar: I TRIED AND IT FELL OFF, OKAY!?

Alyra: Hello everyone, I've returned to the story to help Eris. With my current track record, I'll probably cause Eris to lose a limb or something, but that won't stop me from trying to help!

Eris Miller: Varrin, I'm frightened.

Varrin Gara'dar: Eris, I'm not going to lie to you. There is a very real chance that we are all about to be killed.

Alyra I hid the Nonconformity to help Eris get home! You'll never find it!

Varrin Gara'dar: Eris, are you sure I'm not just allowed to hit her at this point?

Eris Miller: Let me think about it.

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1 has joined Facebook!

Eris Miller: Why do I have a really bad feeling about this?

Grashk: Okay everyone, I figured out how to switch my name back to normal, and I'm the captain of this ship. That means everyone has to obey my orders!

Eris Miller: Of course we will! Won't we, Varrin?

Varrin Gara'dar: Yeah sure, but is it really essential for piloting the ship that I'm locked in a soundproof broom closet?

Grashk: Oh yes. Very essential.

Kiguri: I'm back, everybody! I stowed away so I can be an outlaw like you guys!

Kalla: And on a related note, I'm out of here.

Eris Miller: Look Kiguri, I know our life looks fun, but you can't just run away from home and leave your family behind without so much as a proper goodbye. Just because you feel out of place here now is no reason to leave your entire world behind and become an outlaw just to be with someone you care about. After all-

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Um, Eris…

Eris Miller: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Come on, Kiguri.

Kiguri: Out of system! Where should I put my My Chemical Romance posters?

Eris Miller: This is going to suck.

Sebara: Trystan, I found more poetry in the engine room. I thought we talked about this. This new poem isn't even that good.

Trystan Gara'dar: Huh? I didn't write that. I've been on the bridge all day.

Fino'jin: GIVE THAT BACK IT'S NOT FOR YOU!

Grashk: Now that I've dropped you all off on Venesky, I'm heading back home to Ssriss.

Varrin Gara'dar: I'll miss you, Grashk. As a parting gift, I'll let you pick what name I'm going to give you as soon as you're away from your computer. Options are: The Blue Man Group, Huckleberry Hound, Bear in the Big Blue House, Squidward, Sonic the Hedgehog, The Blue Lagoon, Stitch, Thomas the Tank Engine, Cookie Monster, and Squirtle.

Grashk: I guess I'll go with Squirtle.

Varrin Gara'dar: Godspeed, Squirtle.

Squirtle: Squirtle! Squirt!

Varrin Gara'dar has suggested Eris Miller connect with Akaeli on LinkedIn!

Eris Miller: Wait a second! Her profile says she works with Chakra Corp! She's evil!

Varrin Gara'dar: I get your concern, but trust me, Akaeli's not evil. She works with plants!

Eris Miller: It says her favourite movie is Little Shop of Horrors.

Akaeli: I like it for the music.

Akaeli has sent Eris Miller an invitation to Chakra Con!

Doctor T: The highlight of the evening will be when I vivisect the Ethics Committee!

Akaeli: Good lord, you're still invited to these things? I thought they banned you after last year.

Doctor T: Nobody told ME that was the President's son.

Shasha the Moofa has joined Facebook!

Shasha the Moofa has sent Fino'jin a friend request!

Fino'jin to Shasha the Moofa: Prince Trystan, I know that's you. Please don't be one of those people who posts updates pretending to be their pet.

Shasha the Moofa: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Shasha the Moofa! Incidentally, I really think you should treat Prince Trystan nicer, and not be mad about the poetry he wrote featuring your tormented soul that somehow got leaked online.

Finojin: PRINCE TRYSTAN, I AM GOING TO KICK YOU THROUGH THE CEILING!

Shasha the Moofa: Now's probably a bad time to tell you that Shasha piddled on your boots.

Sebara to Vardriga the Fortune Teller: Hey, so you were on my suggested posts list. Any chance you know where Prince Varrin is?

Vardriga the Fortune Teller: The destination lies within your journey! What you seek is where you left it! Don't stop believing!

Sebara: What a bunch of garbage. That's what I get for listening to a fortune teller.

Vardriga the Fortune Teller: Oh also, you should probably watch out for giant metal spiders.

Sebara: Complete waste of time…

Sebara: Good news, I found a Facebook account belonging to Aedar Korlethi, that I think is a fake account set up by Prince Varrin. I've got us a meeting with one of Korlethi's friends, Kraigoth.

Kraigoth: I last saw Korlethi a few weeks back, at a ball at the Starlight. He had a beautiful guest with him who he was treating poorly. I stepped in to assist, being the perfect gentleman I am-

Trystan Gara'dar: Ooh, what do you have over there? Are those drugs? They look like drugs! And weapons! And look, here's a book called 'A Beginner's Guide to Terrestrial Trafficking'!

Sebara: Uh oh.

Kiguri: I don't understand. That young couple was having fun with my great-grandparent and I, but now all of a sudden they want some time by themselves. What's going on?

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Oh God, nobody's had the talk with you yet!? Is it too late to return you to the Claktill ship?

Korrim: Yes.

Eris Miller: This vacation is just what I needed! After months of running around the galaxy fighting for my life, it's so great to finally have a chance to relax!

Varrin Gara'dar: Eris, I'm dying.

Eris Miller: Well, that was fun while it lasted.

Eris Miller has set up a Kickstarter to raise money to buy serika to treat Varrin's incurable illness!

Eris Miller's Kickstarter is 0% of the way towards its goal!

Eris Miller: You know Varrin, this is what happens when you're an asshole to everyone in the galaxy but me.

Sebara and Trystan Gara'dar have checked into Kraigoth's Prison!

Trystan Gara'dar: It's times like this I remember the words of advice my mother gave me whenever I was scared. "Trystan, go play inside. Mommy wants to be alone with the pool boy."

Empress of Rakor: Ix-nay on the ool boy-pay.

Trystan Gara'dar to Sebara: Sebara, why did you join the Rala'kamil?

Sebara: Well, since I was attracted to women and the sun priests didn't approve, so I was punished by my family and made to join the Rala'kamil. Now I've left behind my hated arranged marriage and spend all my time going on exciting adventures serving aristocrats, with other extremely fit women who share my sexual orientation.

Trystan Gara'dar: Huh. That… actually sounds kind of great for you, Sebara.

Sebara: Yeah, guess I never really thought about it that way.

Kraigoth: I really don't want to hurt either of you. I'm a good person. Now give me my communicator back, or I'll shoot you in the head.

Sebara: The term 'good person' really means something different to you, doesn't it?

Sebara has poked Kraigoth!

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Eris, I won't be coming with you to Chingu. Our adventures are fun, but now I have to look after Kiguri, and being a parent again requires me to be all boring and responsible.

Eris Miller: Well, there goes the plan to use Kiguri as bait to distract all the Chingun guards.

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1 is hanging out somewhere being ominous!

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1: Don't mind me! I'm just over here… waiting.

Varrin Gara'dar: That thing is starting to creep me out.

Miguri Ma'aktilli to Kiguri: I want you to go wait over there. Those strangers look dangerous.

Trystan Gara'dar to Miguri Ma'aktilli: Hi there! I'm Varrin's long lost son, looking for my father! I know I only look a few years younger than him, but that's because of magical Rakorsian anti-aging genes! My mother only told me Varrin was my father recently, and the man I thought was my father threw me out, just like what happened on The Young and the Restless with Clark and Sophia that one time! Now we're roaming the stars looking for a father I never knew.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Seems reasonable enough to me!

Sebara: Huh. I would've thought Prince Varrin's friends were smarter than this.

Sebara has gifted Miguri Ma'aktilli with Roofie!

Kiguri: Great grandparent? Did you outwit the mysterious strangers? Why are you passed out on the ground drooling?

Miguri Ma'aktilli: My hands are sparkly!

Akaeli: Don't worry Varrin, I'll keep you safe! I'm probably the only person in the galaxy who can make toxicology seem cool! Seriously, even I'm not sure how I did that!

Varrin Gara'dar: So when do we get to meet your dealer?

Kalla: Hello Varrin!

Varrin Gara'dar: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me. Akaeli, you couldn't set me up with a different dealer?

Akaeli: Yeah I was going to, but the strangest thing happened. I went out looking for a good dealer, and five seconds later I found her crouched in the bushes. It was really convenient!

Eris Miller: I LOVE EVERYBODY IN THIS CLUB!

Varrin Gara'dar: Eris, you're drunk. Please give me your phone. You'll thank me later.

Eris Miller: I want you. I've always wanted you. Take me on this park bench. Right now.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Eris, are you alright? Did you mean to send this message to me?

Eris Miller: I want you. I've always wanted you. Take me on this park bench. Right now.

Doctor T: Wait, seriously!? You'd better not be screwing with me on this, Miller. Give me ten minutes to ditch Dr. Marku!

Eris Miller: I want you. I've always wanted you. Take me on this park bench. Right now.

Lisa Brightman: LOL Josh, is this you?

Eris Miller: I want you. I've always wanted you. Take me on this park bench. Right now.

Eris' Mom: Eris, I'm very disappointed in you.

Trystan Gara'dar: Going to be meeting with my brother soon, and trying to figure out what to say to get him to come home. Any advice?

Eris' Mom: Tell him his family misses him, and they're worried sick.

Kiguri: Tell him his parent finally agreed to let him paint his room black.

Emperor Ka'zarel: Tell him you've got a striker aimed straight at his face.

Fino'jin to Sebara: I've decided that the emperor's plan is ridiculous and doomed to fail. So while Trystan is distracting Prince Varrin, you're going to capture his girlfriend, and if she resists you blast a hole in her stupid terrestrial head.

Sebara: Sir, it's my duty to inform you that you're becoming dangerously unstable.

Fino'jin: Damn it, I've had enough of your negativity! This entire trip I've had to put up with crap from everybody – you, Prince Trystan, that damn Moofa that humped my leg, the Emperor whose calls I've been screening, the Scalkan hookers who claim I owe them money, my repressed sexuality, that hallucination of my grandmother I had last night when I found where you hid the good whiskey…

Sebara: I'm going to go be somewhere else now.

Miguri Ma'aktilli to Eris Miller: Hey, haven't chatted with you in a while. How are things going?

Eris Miller: Varrin has about twelve hours to live, so not great. How are things going with you?

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Could be better. Kiguri drank too much caco juice and got a face tattoo.

Kiguri: I have a lot of feelings! Nobody understands me!

Emperor Ka'zarel to Empress of Rakor: Now I can't get in touch with Trystan at all! That boy is a disaster, and it's all your fault!

Empress of Rakor: Damn it Ka'zarel, the therapist said it wasn't healthy for our marriage to assign blame like this!

Emperor Ka'zarel: Well the therapist ALSO said that it wasn't healthy for our marriage for you to be spending so much time with the damn pool boy!

Empress of Rakor: Don't you bring Justin into this!

Doctor T: Eris? Eris, I'm here at the park! I can't tell you how long I've dreamt of this! Eris?

Varrin Gara'dar: Since I may only have a few hours to live, I'm glad I get to spend my last moments with the one person I love more than anything. Eris, I can't think of a more romantic way to spend my final hours than with you-

Trystan Gara'dar: Hi Varrin! It's me, Trystan! Did you miss me? I missed you!

Varrin Gara'dar: Wow Trystan, you really couldn't have killed that moment any better, could you?

Fino'jin: If you want advice on killing things, I could probably help with that.

Sebara to Eris Miller: You're special to Prince Varrin, so you're going to help me return him to Rakor.

Eris Miller: I went a full week without being kidnapped. New personal record!

Sebara: Wait, that promise pendant means you're technically a princess of Rakor! I can't believe I almost killed you!

Eris Miller: Don't worry about it. I met some of my closest friends when they kidnapped or tried to kill me.

Fino'jin: If that's the case, I have a feeling you and I are going to be great friends.

Sebara: I'm not letting you kill Eris. She's royalty, and I have to protect her.

Fino'jin: I am sick to death of this, and I am going to kill every last one of you! I'll kill that stupid terrestrial "princess", that poem-writing crybaby, that half-dead pretty boy, and that Claktill who isn't actually here right now… but first I'm going to kill you.

Sebara: Wait Fino'jin, don't you see? You're a metaphor for the conflict that everybody's faced in their personal journeys! We all hated our lives on our home planets, because we didn't like the paths that society set out for us. We've been spending the novel chasing nonconformity… and you, Fino'jin, represent that conformity. And now that we've all embraced who we are, we can defeat you!

Fino'jin: OH MY GOD I'M A LITERARY METAPHOR!

Eris Miller has super-poked Fino'jin!

Varrin Gara'dar to Eris Miller: Eris! I was so worried! How are you doing?

Eris Miller: I found out I'm a princess, so all things considered, it's been a pretty good day.

Akaeli: I'm going to hack into the system and disable the interior security to get us into the base!

Varrin Gara'dar: She is so fun! It's like having a Swiss army knife on the team!

Eris Miller: Bow before your princess, slaves!

Varrin Gara'dar: Look, it's the Nonconformity! I can't wait to fly it and smell it and lick it!

Eris Miller: You licked the Nonconformity?

Varrin Gara'dar: …of course not. I'm feverish. Ignore what I'm saying.

Trystan Gara'dar: I'm so glad things worked out for the best!

Sebara: We still have to get the Nonconformity out of the base undetected.

Eris Miller: Yeah, but we defeated the colossal psychotic Skin Slicer who's been terrorizing people the entire book! Compared to him, what could stop us now?

Alyra: Hello Eris! I've returned to help you!

Eris Miller: AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Alyra: Look who I brought to help me defeat the evil criminals and rescue Eris!

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1: DESTROY ALL LIFE FORMS! DEATH TO THE CRIMINAL SCUM! A CLEANSING FIRE WILL BURN THEM!

Alyra: I'm going to peacefully return you to Earth, Eris! And if you don't come with me, I'm going to peacefully break your fucking kneecaps using my big baseball bat of peace!

Kalla: Okay, even I think you're starting to be a bit obsessive here.

Alyra: Enforcer, attack!

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1: DESTROY ALL LIFE FORMS!

Alyra: Wait, why are you looking at me like – oh crap.

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1 has poked Alyra!

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1 has posted Sebara's Partially Removed Spine on its Facebook wall!

Trystan Gara'dar: Wow, between seeing Sebara get nearly torn in half and Fino'jin's constant abuse, I'm going to be writing some crazy good poetry when all of this is over.

Eris Miller cast Cure Critical Wounds on Varrin Gara'dar!

Nonconformity: Aw yeah, it may have taken the entire novel, but I'm finally back in the story! This is so great! Am I going to be used in a daring escape, or engage in a badass firefight with the killer robot? People have been waiting all book to see me in action, and I'm not going to disappoint!

Eris Miller: Initiate self-destruct.

Nonconformity: Oh shi-

The Nonconformity has deactivated its Facebook account!

Eris Miller to Varrin Gara'dar: I'm really sorry, but I had to destroy the Nonconformity. There was a killer robot inside, and my decision wasn't motivated by jealousy at all. Really. Honest.

Akaeli: I think I've stabilized Sebara, but we should probably get her to a hospital and get out of here.

Trystan Gara'dar: And they all lived happily ever after!

Alyra: Ugh, that really hurt. What happened? Is anybody else still here?

Harmonious Enforcer Mark 1: DESTROY ALL LIFE FORMS!

Alyra: Uh oh.

Some Chingun Doctor: Good news, your friend Sebara is going to pull through.

Eris Miller: I'm glad everyone's safe! And now that that's settled, your princess demands blood tribute.

Kalla: Hey Varrin, so I kind of told a psychotic Skin Slicer where you were, and then he tried to murder you, and then your ship got blown up, and then everybody almost died, and then your little brother's best friend was maybe paralyzed for life, but I'm really sorry and can we still be friends?

Varrin Gara'dar: Normally I'd pay you back for doing this Kalla, but because of my relationship with Eris, I'm trying to become a better person.

Eris Miller: Oh, screw THAT. What do you say Varrin, want to help me beat the living hell out of her?

Varrin Gara'dar: It's a date!

Doctor T: DAMN IT ERIS, I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR NINE HOURS! YOU STOOD ME UP, DIDN'T YOU!? I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

Emperor Ka'zarel: Trystan's mission was a complete failure! Now he and that stupid Rala'kamil have both defected!

Empress of Rakor: My baby boy's a fugitive because of you! This is all your fault!

Emperor Ka'zarel: I can't believe that kid is my son! Just admit it, you cheated on me with the pool boy, didn't you!?

Empress of Rakor: THAT POOL BOY WAS A BETTER LOVER THAN YOU COULD EVER BE!

Kalla: Great news everyone, I'm finally over Varrin! Bad boys weren't good for me, so now I'm going for the mature, sensitive type.

Miguri Ma'aktilli: Help!

Eris Miller has changed her name to Sweetheart!

Sweetheart: Ha ha, very funny Varrin, now how do I change this back?

Sweetheart has changed her name to Dumpling!

Dumpling: Okay, but seriously, Varrin's going to stop finding this funny pretty soon, right?

Blues Brothers: I have some really bad news about that.

Fino'jin has received a movie recommendation from Netflix based on his recent activity! Fino'jin might enjoy The Terminator!

Fino'jin: Huh, things might actually work out okay for me…

Fino'jin has received a movie recommendation from Netflix based on his recent activity! Fino'jin might enjoy Inspector Gadget!

Fino'jin: I'm screwed.

Doctor T: Well I'm a rapping Triila, and I'm here to say! I got wrote out of this book in an un-radical way! Chakra Corp was in it, so why not me? I'm a dope-ass mother****er, they can't handle my beat!

Dr. Marku: You know, anyone who didn't read the first instalment of this fanfic really won't get that joke.

Kiguri: Who the hell are you people!?


End file.
